Millions of new Pokémon trainers have taken to the streets this week thanks to the surprise success of Pokémon Go. But as they wander across America, those new initiates might start to wonder which Pokémon are the most prized. Is it worth it to head toward a Beedrill when a Mankey’s close by? If there’s no Dratini in sight, will a Seadra do in a pinch? To answer all, two Vulture editors put their heads together to come up with a definitive ranking of the 151 Pokémon you may or may not encounter on your quest. We’re not simply evaluating these pocket monsters for their battle ability: style, vibe, and a certain je ne sais quoi are just as important. Let this, then, be a guide in your hunting, a Flareon in the darkness.
151. Rattata
The bane of any city dweller, Rattata spawn all the time, are not special in the least, and have the nerve to sneer at you and occasionally make this really disgusting fart-growl. They should be banned. —Kyle Buchanan
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This flopping fish out of water is literally the most hopeless of all Pokémon, but its limitless potential for trolling saves it from being the absolute worst. Take over a hard-won gym and station a Magikarp there just to prompt a disbelieving double take. —KB
149. Diglett
Diglett only exists so straight guys can take pictures of it on their jeans and pretend it’s a dick. Like, we get it. You’ve needed something to do since they cancelled Entourage and you’re taking it out on Diglett. —KB
148. Arbok
Arbok’s whole vibe is unclear. Was one face not enough? Arbok is basically the Pokémon version of those line drawings that can either be a beautiful woman or a witch, and that’s just too much trouble as far as we’re concerned. Imagine dating one! You can’t. —KB
147. Koffing
This literal embodiment of air pollution is potentially a sign that your neighborhood might be killing you. Move. —Jackson McHenry
146. Ekans
Honestly, this Pokémon is trash, but it’s funny at least once to point and say, “There’s a snake in the grass.” —KB
145. Weezing
Did you know that in the beta version of Pokémon Red and Blue, Weezing was named “LA”? And it’s a giant clump of smog? We can’t stand for this Los Angeles shade. —JM
144. Paras
People get so excited when they catch their first Paras and you’re just over here going, “Wait until you have 73 of those, okay? You will start cussing out this cute little crab.” —KB
143. Raticate
You just made a Rattata larger? And gave it huge fangs? We saw enough giant rats during the Verizon strike, we’re good. — JM
142. Dugtrio
See Diglett, multiply all the potential for childish jokes by three. — JM
141. Grimer
A pile of slime. As with Koffing, if there are a bunch of Grimer nearby, it’s probably a sign that your rent is suppressed because of asbestos. — JM
140. Muk
People always make fun of the fact that Pokémon eventually introduced a creature that is literally garbage, but we should never forget that it started out with one that is literally Muk. — JM
139. Zubat
We once found Zubat at a gay bar. We’re just saying, Noah Galvin has the tea on this one. —KB
138. Gastly
Listen, it’s great that there’s a nighttime Pokémon, but when you see Gastly’s silhouette, it literally looks like a monster emerging from a cloud of murderous poison. No one needs to deal with that when they’re out hunting at one a.m. This is not The Mist, Gastly. Calm down. —KB
137. Pidgey
Pidgey is very basic. Team Instinct probably loves to catch Pidgeys. —KB
136. Spearow
Pidgey with anger issues, which is at least an intriguing wrinkle. — JM
135. Mankey
Mankey is always trying to goad you into a fight online. How does this Pokémon have so much time to keep scrapping on Facebook? Get a job, Mankey, it will help you prioritize what’s really important in life. —KB
134. Exeggcute
This is a gang of psychic eggs and, like, points for WTF-ery, but they all seem very rude and one of them is bleeding yolk from the head. If you like Exeggcute, then you’re into weird porn; this is a 1:1 guarantee. —KB
133. Victreebel
What is this paunchy, villainous gourd madness? Victreebel may be strong, but aesthetically, this is a hard pass. (Still, he’s not as bad as in the anime.) —JM
132. Exeggutor
In which Exeggcute’s eggs acquire the trunk of a palm tree and turn into … coconuts? Eggs do not grow on trees. (Points for the punky, palm-frond hairdo, though.) —JM
131. Mr. Mime
Some kids are afraid of clowns because of It. Wiser kids are afraid of mimes because of Mr. Mime. —JM
130. Beedrill
This wasp’s look is a lot more intimidating than its sting, but hey, it’s one of the few third-tier evolutions you can get to pretty quickly. Stick a Beedrill at a gym to intimidate your enemies, until they realize they can crush it into slime pretty easily. — JM
129. Sandshrew
That name just doesn’t work for us. Sounds like the nagging girlfriend in a Todd Phillips comedy. —KB
128. Primeape
What happens when a bunch of angry YouTube commenters all gather at the same place at once. —JM
127. Drowzee
Even though Pokémon Go isn’t technically available in Canada yet, some enterprising trainers have figured out a work-around, and what they’ve discovered is that the country is full of Drowzees. That just feels right. —KB
126. Golem
Honestly, we’re still a little miffed at Golem, because you needed to trade a Graveler with a friend to get one in elementary school, but then they don’t trade you back your Golem, and then you get into a big fight, and then they move away. Regrets, man. Anyway, Golem’s okay, as far as giant rocks go. —JM
125. Hitmonchan
What happens if you never do leg day. —JM
124. Hitmonlee
What happens if you only do leg day. Loses points for combining its torso and head. Necks are a good and necessary thing. —JM
123. Lickitung
A being of pure, Lovecraftian horror that is mostly one giant tongue, but we do appreciate that it’s a big fan of sushi. —JM
122. Electabuzz
Electabuzz is a respectable, powerful electric-type Pokémon. Still, we can’t shake the impression that it would overuse the word “gnarly.” —JM
121. Hypno
“Watch my pendulum,” says Hypno. “You are getting very sleepy,” says Hypno. “Come to my improv team’s comedy show in Bed-Stuy and then we’ll go out for vegan,” says Hypno. —JM
120. Metapod
Pros: Potentially indestructible. Cons: Everything else. —JM
119. Graveler
Graveler is a good medium-strength Pokémon but it has this sort of clenched, un-fun expression. Graveler is probably a real dick at a birthday party. — KB
118. Krabby
Adorable, fierce, probably tasty. Do people eat Pokémon? Can we make an exception? Is that a terrible thing to even think about? —JM
117. Kakuna
Pros: Potentially indestructible, better name than Metapod. Cons: Everything else. —JM
116. Poliwag
We almost forgot to rank this tadpole because we were too distracted by wondering whether it would bounce on a hard surface. We think yes, which seems like it’s in its favor. —JM
115. Machop
It’s unclear whether Machop is a fish, a lizard, a human, or some dreadful chimeric combination of all three. What is certain is that Machop just started doing CrossFit and will not shut up about it. —KB
114. Kingler
Krabby but asymmetrical, which is edgy. Also, fairly easy to acquire if you live near water. Definitely worth placing atop a gym and threatening foes with a swift crabhammer. —JM
113. Kadabra
Watched The Matrix once, got way too many ideas. —JM
112. Pidgeot
You know that thing when your basic friend gets a new haircut and decides they’re so much better than everyone else? That is Pidgeot. You came from Pidgeys, mister. Don’t you ever forget it. —JM
111. Goldeen
This fish is marginally more useful than Magikarp, but it also pops up everywhere, especially if you live near water. We get it, Nintendo, goldfish are popular, but we don’t have bowl space for 50,000 of them. —JM
110. Geodude
Our house is filled with Geodudes. They just sort of hang out there expectantly, like they’re waiting for us to turn on the TV. If you could teach a Geodude how to use a universal remote, it would probably make them better. —KB
109. Parasect
A psychedelic mushroom. Will accidentally send you on a trip, or just put you to sleep. —JM
108. Porygon
This honestly frightening “virtual Pokémon” looks like it trotted on over from Minecraft. Aren’t Pokémon already virtual? Isn’t this all just a little bit too meta? Still, attention must be paid to the fact that Porygon figured into Pokémon’s infamous seizure episode. —KB
107. Magmar
A blend of a duck, magma, and a booby (the bird, people), Magmar is what happens when a Project Runway contestant truly doesn’t understand the rules of the challenge. Still, points for the ambition. —JM
106. Chansey
Chansey is the DUFF of Pokémon, let’s be real. Chansey is going to get backstabbed someday by head mean-girl Mewtwo and I feel like Chansey’s just going to shrug and accept it so as not to jeopardize this valuable friendship with Mewtwo, which is sad. —KB
105. Poliwhirl
To paraphrase Britney: Not a tadpole, not yet a frog. —JM
104. Golduck
Golduck is a powerful duck with psychic powers that is somehow not psychic-type. What gives? —JM
103. Seaking
A vast improvement on Goldeen, design-wise, but still missing some X factor that could really set it apart. Maybe if that horn contained poison or spurted electricity we’d be talking. —JM
102. Nidoran (male)
Teeny-tiny, very angry, and not to complain about the color purple or anything, but it’s not quite as good as blue. —JM
101. Nidoran (female)
Teeny-tiny, very angry, but also powder blue and cute. —JM
100. Nidorina
The ferocity of back spikes with all the undeniable appeal of that good ol’ powder-blue coloring. —JM
99. Nidorino
Much more powerful than your average Nidoran, but also a little too cocky, maybe? Probably still gets into clubs with a fake ID. —JM
98. Pidgeotto
Pidgeotto is great because it flies, which is useful, and because it sounds like something the Three Tenors probably sang once. It’s very cultured of you to possess at least one Pidgeotto. —KB
97. Bellsprout
A Venus flytrap with arms, legs, and a fondness for sashaying back and forth. Basically, a succulent in drag. —JM
96. Doduo
Empirically speaking, this Pokémon has one of the most fun names to say, which is important. But the more you think about this twin-headed bird, the more unsettling it becomes. If you pet one head, does the other get jealous? If one head swallows a worm, does it eventually wriggle out of the other one’s mouth? We don’t have answers, just questions. —KB
95. Dodrio
Almost as fun to say as “Duduo,” though haunted by the Cronenbergian horror that is this third head. Where did it come from? Can it think independently of the other two? What if it’s just an empty vessel, staring at you in abject terror? Points for that, we guess. —JM
94. Gloom
That dude who’s obsessed with his “natural scent.” Once emailed you an article about how your hair’s natural oils will clean it naturally if you stop showering. That study was later debunked. —JM
93. Psyduck
Imagine the story of an ugly duckling, if it were about a duck with psychic powers. Or, even better: Imagine Carrie, if Carrie were a duck. —JM
92. Weepinbell
A bell (which signifies joy) that is weeping (which signifies sadness). Profound. —JM
91. Omastar
Okay, Omastar, you’ve set the primeval Cthulhu demon of hell vibe at a 9. We’re going to need to scale it back to a 3 or a 4. —JM
90. Golbat
If you give the ever-annoying Zubat a giant mouth and some seriously boosted stats, it’s not that terrible? It still screeches like a Michael Bay sound effect, but at least it’s not following you every single step you take. —JM
89. Weedle
This Pokémon is so tiny that it’s delightful. Take it to somebody else’s gym battle so it can just stand there on the sidelines, thrilled by the carnage. — KB
88. Caterpie
The most adorable bug that ever there was, which doesn’t stop it from being a literal bug. —JM
87. Onix
In its own way, Onix is one of the scarier Pokémon. Any time a portal to another dimension opens in a movie or television show, Onix is one of the first creatures that is trying to escape it. That’s why its presence in the real world is so terrifying now. Where is this mystical portal and how do we close it? —KB
86. Voltorb
A Pokéball that has come to life and bleeds electricity. One of the most annoying things you can encounter in the Game Boy games. Held back by its cry of pure evil. —JM
85. Electrode
Voltorb is angry, and often it likes to explode. Electrode is also angry, but look at that smile. It loves to be angry. Anger gives its life meaning. —JM
84. Tangela
Currently only legal in Washington, Oregon, Alaska, and Colorado, but still real fun to hang around with. —JM
83. Rhyhorn
We personally have too many Rhyhorns but we don’t like to transfer them because their presence is very calming. —KB
82. Poliwrath
Powerful, but held back by its clammy hands, or hand-glove things, or whatever these are. —JM
81. Marowak
A Cubone (see below) who has grown into its skull and is ready to take revenge. Basically Uma Thurman in Kill Bill. —JM
80. Magnemite
You see a floating little electric-type (or rather, electric- and steel-type). We see an infinite source of power for your iPhone. —JM
79. Magneton
Technically just three Magnemites close together. As with Dugtrio and Dodrio, we really think Magneton should just do less. —JM
78. Pinsir
This very strong bug is a great gym sentry, even though we don’t support human-sized bugs and never have. —KB
77. Rhydon
A giant earth and rock dragon being that is held back by double weaknesses to water and grass. Those are significant weaknesses. —JM
76. Slowpoke
Everybody needs a water Pokémon so Slowpoke is a very exciting catch. The only downside is that it’s psychic, too, so if you’re judging its beach body, it will know. —KB
75. Haunter
A Gastly that has taken on a more distinct shape, complete with terrifying three-fingered claws of doom. Pretty cool. —JM
74. Shellder
A shy clam. Moving along. —JM
73. Oddish
A plant with legs. (We’re fine with this.) —JM
72. Fearow
A bigger Sparow, which is pretty meh, but it is the closest thing the original 151 Pokémon have to a vulture (Mandibuzz doesn’t come until much later), so we’ll give it points for the brand. —JM
71. Kabuto
Reminds us of a trilobite, which reminds us that trilobite is just a great word. —JM
70. Kabutops
Potentially the villain in any number of slasher movies. Also, pretty good at cutting things around the house if you have one on hand. —JM
69. Persian
She’s beauty and she’s grace. She’s also the favorite choice of mobster kingpin. —JM
68. Horsea
A little seahorse with tiny baby wing, which looks like it was left on the cutting-room floor of Finding Nemo. Loses points for being a little too cute. What are you hiding, Horsea? Do less. —JM
67. Staryu
Starfish never looked so much like the clue to some sort of dark, international illuminati conspiracy. —JM
66. Machoke
You can tell this guy would throw off your sleep schedule by doing thousands of pull-ups every morning. —JM
65. Tentacool
Probably friends with Ellen DeGeneres. Took over a resort community that one time. Literally cool. —JM
64. Tentacruel
The evolution from Tentacool to Tentacruel is among the more charming bits of wordplay in the Pokémon universe. Also, a full grown Tentacruel is about the size of a small building. We would like several of these calamari to go, please. —JM
63. Dewgong
Dewgong’s one of only a few ice-type Pokémon availible in Pokémon Go, which gives it a distinct advantage (ice is a super-effective way to take down dragons; don’t ask why). Also, you just know that Dewgong would make for a great cuddle, with that soft, snow-white fur. —JM
62. Machamp
Those extra arms are a clear lesson about the dangers of living off protein powder. —JM
61. Charmeleon
Charmander, but more moody. Charizard, but not as cool. —JM
60. Tauros
Pokémon hero Ash Ketchum caught 30 Tauros in one episode of the Pokémon TV show. Why, you ask? Well, have you seen this furious, three-tailed rage bull? The real question is why he didn’t catch 60. —JM
59. Meowth
Generates money in most Pokémon games, but not in Pokémon Go itself. Why do you gotta be so stingy, Meowth? —JM
58. Seel
Nickname your harp seal Pokémon “The Deal,” so that when you’re showing your collection to your friends, you can point at it and say, “That Seel’s the deal.” They’ll love it. —JM
57. Vulpix
Vulpix is kind of overdoing it with all those tails but there’s no denying that this is a classy Pokémon who would make for a great fan dance. —KB
56. Wartortle
A Squirtle with wings for ears, which really flies in the face of Coco Chanel’s whole “take one piece off before you leave the house” philosophy. Still, it’s the criminally underrated middle child of Blastoise and Squirtle. Who can blame it for trying to stand out? —JM
55. Venonat
This little tribble is a great Pokémon to photograph on your best friend. It will look like they either have a venereal disease or are playing Dr. Mario. —KB
54. Vileplume
All the potential of Oddish (i.e., Oddish is a cute plant) comes to fruition (i.e., this is a cute plant with a cool flower on top). —JM
53. Scyther
Undeniably badass, but in a way that tries too hard to be badass? Every nice car doesn’t need to look like it came from the set of Fast and Furious, in other words. —JM
52. Ninetales
The most popular girl in school, still coasting on her looks through most of adulthood. Capable of setting fire to a city block, but has no idea how to change a smoke alarm. —JM
51. Omanyte
God, according to its worshippers on Reddit (it’s a long story). Omanyte is mostly just an adorable fossil being. Those tiny tentacles are so silly, and so great. —JM
50. Sandslash
This is a wonderful Pokémon because it’s strong and it looks like the result of slash-fiction m-preg between Sonic and Tails. —KB
49. Seadra
A Horsea that decided it was going to go in for some frosted tips. It’s not the early 2000s anymore, but Seadra still makes the throwback work. —JM
48. Slowbro
Technically two Pokémon (a Slowpoke and a Shellder) that have formed into one. Does this mean that their consciousnesses meld? Does Pokémon have any philosophical understanding of the self? Slowbro has pretty powerful psychic skills; maybe it can help sort that out. —JM
47. Dragonair
This is what happens when Dratini gets a little too full of itself. Comes with its very own blue orb and wings, which is some nice styling. —JM
46. Venomoth
Butterfree’s more powerful rival. Impressive, but also unsettling. Why’d you have to go from the oh-so-cute Venonat to this? —JM
45. Butterfree
Beautiful, fragile, still heartbreaking when you remember that TV episode where Ash let his Butterfree go. —JM
44. Rapidash
Who decided that Ponyta needed to be She’s All That’d? What superficial studio executive is running the Pokémon universe? We can’t hate a unicorn forged of pure fire, but Ponyta was fine as she was. —JM
43. Farfetch’d
Rumor has it that Farfetch’d is currently only available in Japan on Pokémon Go. Whether or not that’s true, we appreciate the fact that this little leek warrior is generating his own controversy. That’s truly living your best life. —JM
42. Nidoking
A king. —JM
41. Nidoqueen
You could be the king, but watch the queen conquer. —JM
40. Wigglytuff
A Jigglypuff currently enjoying Burning Man. —JM
39. Clefable
A Clefairy that has gone to Burning Man one too many times. —JM
38. Ditto
It’s unclear whether Ditto exists in Pokémon Go, or whether every single Pokémon you encounter is actually this shape-shifter in disguise. Points for messing with your mind. —JM
37. Raichu
Better than Pikachu in raw stats and pun departments, worse than Pikachu in all other departments. —JM
36. Jynx
You can’t hate a drag queen Pokémon. Also, they tend to hang around Vulture’s New York offices, and we don’t want to piss them off. —JM
35. Flareon
Flareon is the least powerful of the three Eeveelutions, but it still has lots to recommend it. That comfy mane of fur, for instance. —JM
34. Kangaskhan
Kangaskhan proudly declares that, yes, you can have it all. It makes time for its baby and is a very successful fighter. Cue the Carly Simon, because you are working, girl. —JM
33. Venusaur
The behemoth that is Venusaur is the Donald Trump of Pokémon. It’s big, loud, and it has some surprising staying power. Your puny Rattata isn’t going to get it off the top of a gym. Sad! —JM
32. Lapras
Lapras, a majestic Loch Ness monster with plenty of seating room, lives to take you on adventures through the ocean. Respect. —JM
31. Alakazam
Actually controls the Matrix. Also, Alakazam’s special attack stat in the Game Boy and DS Games is nearly unparalleled. —JM
30. Aerodactyl
Flying rock turned fighting machine. If you’re lucky enough to acquire an Aerodactyl, you should treasure it like nothing else. —JM
29. Jolteon
Sleek, powerful, with a bit of a mod fashion sense. The choice of Eevee owners who’re also fans of Mad Men. —JM
28. Ivysaur
The dark, terrible secret of Ivysaur is that it’s better than Bulbasaur in nearly every way, but it always holds itself back from the world for mysterious reasons. Basically the Grey Gardens of Pokémon, and not just because it has a literal garden on its head. —JM
27. Bulbasaur
Not the flashiest of your starter choices, but a solid one nonetheless. The Pokémon that seems the closest to being a creature from a Studio Ghibli movie. You can imagine a whole world unfurling within the seed on its back. —JM
26. Cloyster
Why is this fortified clam ranked so high? Well, a) it’s an ice-type (the best type), b) it’s got some great angry facial expressions going on, c) refer back to the words “fortified clam.” —JM
25. Gengar
Whether it’s the ghost of Clefable (as some have argued) or just the physical manifestation of all your nightmares, there’s no denying that Gengar’s got a lot going for it. —JM
24. Growlithe
You may be into bad boys right now, but trust us: You are going to marry a Growlithe. —KB
23. Blastoise
The cool thing about Blastoise is that when you defeat an enemy with one, you can imagine your Blastoise firing into space like they’re Team Rocket blasting off. Also, it’s a turtle with giant cannons on its back. So that’s two cool things. —JM
22. Zapdos
A thunderbird, sadly diminished in its coolness factor after J.K. Rowling decided that thunderbird would also be the name of a wizarding school house. —JM
21. Gyarados
So you spend all your time walking around, hatching eggs, catching Magikarp, until finally, one day, you get enough Magikarp candy to evolve one into the mythic, ultra-powerful Gyarados. Is it worth it? Spending all that time on Pokémon Go? Isolating yourself from your friends and family? Developing wrist issues from gripping your phone 24 hours a day? Of course it is. —JM
20. Abra
Abra just wants to chill out and sleep all the time. When people approach, it just teleports away so it can sleep elsewhere. Once again, respect. —JM
19. Moltres
The second coolest firebird in the Pokémon universe (after Ho-Oh, which didn’t make it into Go, as far as we know), which does not diminish the fact that it is a freakin’ firebird. —JM
18. Jigglypuff
A perfectly spherical ball of cotton candy that also has a penchant for singing people to sleep. And if you’ve ever played Super Smash Bros., you know Jigglypuff is also ready and able to eff people up. —JM
17. Starmie
A literal gem, which also has the ability to control water and manipulate psychic forces. Flawless. —JM
16. Snorlax
Snorlax eats as much food as it possibly can and then sleeps for as long as it wants. Snorlax is also one of the most powerful Pokémon in the game. Snorlax is goals. —JM
15. Mewtwo
If man has ever gone too far, it’s in the creation of Mewtwo, a clone of Mew that brings Pokémon into the realm of techno-futurist anime fare like Ghost in the Shell. Mewtwo is a villain of the first Pokémon movie, and the prize at the end of the first Pokémon games. There aren’t yet any reported sightings in the game, but when it finally appears — and it will appear — oh boy, ohhhh boy, we’re all going to have some lessons to learn. —JM
14. Articuno
Objectively the best of the legendary birds, Articuno is a gorgeous ice quetzal with the ability to take down any dragon it likes. The Vulture offices are divided over the best Pokémon Go team, but Team Mystic got a pretty cool mascot. —JM
13. Dratini
A cute and rare sea slug that can turn into a super-powerful dragon if you have the patience. Use the promise of a Dratini to get out of awkward social situations, as in, “I’d love to stay and talk but there’s a Dratini in the bodega down the street.” It’s the new Irish good-bye. —JM
12. Ponyta
This flaming pony is so striking, so youthful, and so fierce that I’m pretty sure a jealous Jessica Lange has already plotted to destroy it on some season of American Horror Story. —KB
11. Eevee
Eevee is great because it has this encouraging expression, almost like it wants you to catch it. If you miss it with a Poké Ball, it will still believe in you. —KB
10. Clefairy
Clefairy is basically Chansey, if Chansey didn’t have to hold Björk’s egg purse. But Clefairy also wins a lot of points for being fey and loving it, and that story about Clefairy holding down the Westboro Baptist Church is just too perfect. Clefairy, you are in the top ten. —KB
9. Mew
This mythic pink kitty cat slash ancestor of Pokémon is near impossible to find in any legitimate form in any legitimate Pokémon game (including Go, as far as we know). Back when Google did a Pokémon hunt for April Fool’s you had to travel all the way to the depths of the Amazon to find a Mew. What we’re saying is, get the jungle gear. —JM
8. Vaporeon
Love an Elizabethan collar on a virtual monster! —KB
7. Arcanine
Giant fire dog. Exceedingly loyal. Technically legendary, according to his species type. Man’s best friend. —JM
6. Dragonite
A big ol’ dragon, which sometimes gets flak for being a clear deviation from the rest of its evolutionary line. But Dragonite doesn’t need your flak. It’s powerful. It’s kind. Sometimes it even delivers the mail. —JM
5. Charmander
Remember in Jurassic Park when Newman meets the cute little dinosaur that is deceptively dangerous? That’s Charmander, essentially. You’re gonna want to pet its cute little head but then that tail will wag and fire will spread everywhere. You’ll just chalk it up to being an accident, but what you don’t realize is that with Charmander, everything is done on purpose. Everything. —KB
4. Cubone
Cubone deserves a high ranking just for the triple whammy of its Pokedex sob story: “Cubone pines for the mother it will never see again. Seeing a likeness of its mother in the full moon, it cries. The stains on the skull the Pokémon wears are made by the tears it sheds.” Cubone is not here for your piddly people problems! When it comes to tragedy porn, this Debbie Downer can and will one-up you. —KB
3. Pikachu
Let’s be clear: Pikachu is the face of the franchise, the heart of the TV show, and a great Smash Bros. option if you’re playing with friends, with all those spammable attacks and the fact that it never shuts up. Oh, and Pikachu is friends with Drew Barrymore. How many other Pokémon can claim that? (Zero, Drew is very selective.) —KB
2. Squirtle
Quite simply, a boss. The chillest Pokémon, part of a squad before it was cool, and an undeniably solid choice for a starter. —JM
1. Charizard
Charizard is giving us Drogon realness, and in the era of Game of Thrones and Jurassic World, it just feels right that a dino-dragon creature would be top of the heap. Our boy Char-Char (he lets us call him that) ticks off every box you’d want from a Pokémon Go character: He looks cool, he’s a big ol’ blast of nostalgia, he defends a gym well, and it’s oh-so-satisfying to finally possess one. Whether you had a holographic card of Charizard back in elementary school or now possess a virtual Char-Char to send after Team Instinct, Charizard is the very best, like no one ever was. —KB
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